Chronicles of a Montana Road Warrior – HE LIVES!

2010 Subaru Outback 2.5i Limited photographed ...Guest Blog by David Morton, Customer Solutions Coordinator

Thursday, July 31, 2014

“Something of interest must have occurred in the last 12 months, Mr. Morton!” exclaimed BMS Marketing Director, Mrs. Smith, as she searched an empty file labeled “David’s Recent Travel Articles.”

I looked at my inquisitor, eyes half-lidded, the guile of a 5-year-old plainly on my face. “If I could remember something interesting, I would gladly tell you,” oozed lazy-like out of my mouth.

“Well, Mr. Morton, today you seem no more professional than a 5-year-old. If you don’t remember interesting things, how can we believe anything you’ve ever told us is true?”

I was tempted to quote from an ancient Tom Cruise movie, but knew she would simply respond with, “Oh, how cliché” and then with certainty I would have replied, “NO! How cliché of you, Mrs. Smith!” (One has to be forward thinking to avoid the sucking grasp of an infinite cliché loop.)

Instead without changing my expression, I parried, knowing she would sucker for the humor of the 5-year-old me, “Yes, well my professionalism is unquestionable and I’m older than I look.” Pausing, I said, “I’ll get YOU a sorta true story and your little Blog too!”

[Cut to a dark room, a small lamp pooling light onto fingers flying over the keys of a 1968 Smith Corona. The words on the page appear without error and with unimaginable speed. The audience reads]:

Black Mountain’s marketing manager is living through a travel blog drought. It turns out I am partly responsible. Black Mountain Software’s employees being curious types do like to hear stories. One task I’ve been assigned is to share stories of my travels. In the past 12 months, not a single tale was told. It isn’t as if there was nothing to tell, though. I saw plenty. I just didn’t make any notes.

So after thinking a bit a few things have come to me and I believe it’s time for some statistics. Some of our numbers people (you know the accounting types) say there isn’t a better way to guarantee an alert audience. I am glad we have them on the payroll, as I wouldn’t have thought up this surefire approach on my own.

Since Sooby Roo, my reliable Subaru Outback, and I started driving around the state 36,378 miles ago:

  • 20 months have passed.
  • My hind end has been in contact with the driver’s seat nearly 600 hours.
  • I’ve driven through 52 of the 56 Montana counties.
  • Not one single traffic stop. I keep forgetting my undercover portable flashing red light and badge. Sooby Roo is mad; he hasn’t ever been a patrol car.
  • I’ve Lost one eclectic razor (no, not a typo).
  • Sooby Roo has been to the spa 6 times. He insists it’s refreshing and he performs better relaxed. He demands synthetic oil. He’s spoiled.
  • I joined 6 different hotel rewards programs. I love free stuff. But, I just realized recently that the points expire two years from earning them. I may never get that free room.
  • Bought one new electric razor.
  • I’ve been in 39 Montana county courthouses.
  • Drove 90 mph once. Sooby does what he wants when I am sleeping; otherwise though, he is trustworthy.
  • I’ve drank 137 pints of various Montana brew. Some of my favorites are: Rusty Beaver Wheat (Wibaux), Pigs Ass Porter (Belt), and Parachute Pilsner (Madison River).
  • Number of times I’ve been chased out of a clerk and recorder’s office with a stick: 0
  • 92 nights of luxurious hotel living.
  • 1747 wonderful conversations with Montana Treasurers, Clerk and Recorders and their staff.
  • Collisions with animals: 0
  • Near misses: 3, but while I am thinking about it has anyone else noticed fewer dead skunks in the road? Is it possible Montana’s new roadkill salvage law is working?

Well, I could go on having fun with this stuff for at least 30 more minutes. For now, I won’t.

Next trip I promise a story, Mrs. Smith. You know I have always found that name suspicious – Mrs. Smith indeed.

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